I feel like we have been in a fog for the past month or so. Noah James went from being a super sleeper who needed to nurse once in the night and then going right back to sleep…. To a cranky baby who woke several times during the night (claiming to be hungry) and wouldn’t go back to sleep easily. He was exhausted and so were we!
This happens at about 4 months for many babies. Their sleep cycle changes, and at the same time they are learning to be a little manipulative. Example… Noah will scream in his swing beside the dinner table while
we eat. But as soon as you look at him, he smiles and laughs! He knows his cries work!
Normal or not, what was going on was not sustainable. So last weekend we began sleep training. There are many viewpoints on how to best teach (or reteach, in our case) a baby how to sleep. Some say crying is inevitable, while others say that allowing a child to cry scars them for life. I fall somewhere in the middle. Noah James had learned that all he had to do was cry and he would get to be held and nursed, even if he wasnt hungry. I knew a little crying would have to be involved, but there was no way that I was going to be able to let him cry endlessly either.
We settled on a moderate CIO (cry it out) plan. We would put him in his crib drowsy but still awake. All of the sleep experts agree on this… If the baby is placed in his crib already asleep he doesn’t learn how to fall asleep on his own. He needs the rocking, nursing, or whatever else mom used to help him fall asleep. The idea is for baby to learn how to sooth himself to sleep, both at bedtime and when he awakens in the middle of the night.
So into bed drowsy, but awake. Of course Noah James starts
screaming the moment he is put down. On night #1 he was to cry for three minutes before someone went in to sooth him. Then we would pick him up, pat his back, say “I love you,” then put him back down. Many people
say you shouldn’t pick up the baby, but because Noah has reflux issues we felt it was important that he got a few pats on the back in case he had to spit up. Next, we waited 5 minutes before going to him and repeating the process. The next interval was 10 minutes. The intervals have gotten slightly longer each night.
Last night was night #3. He screamed for the first 5 minutes. Stopped when we picked him up and patted him. Screamed for the next 10 minute interval. Stopped again when he was picked up and patted. And then, miracle of miracles, he stopped crying 11 minutes in to the 15 minute interval. He slept until 12:30 when he awoke, legitimately hungry. I fed him and he soothed himself right back to sleep. When he started crying at 4:30, I was afraid we were up for the day, but he fussed for less than 5 minutes and soothed himself back to sleep….until 7:00! 11 1/2 hours with one feeding. That is something we can sustain!
Best of all, because he was well rested, he took a nice long morning nap and has been in a great mood today. Sleep begets sleep. It is much easier to get a well rested baby/child to sleep than one who is overly tired. Best piece of baby advise I got! In fact, he is now taking an afternoon nap…a good sign for tonight!
I know we will still have rough nights, but the past 3 nights have shown us that Noah can sleep through the night like he used to… And we are strong enough to stick with the program!
My mom came to help us with the first couple of nights of sleep training. She also babysat so we could have a Valentines Day date night. When you don’t get out much (or at all!), dinner and a movie is thrilling!!
I feel so lucky to have such a special Valentine in my life. Dave, I couldn’t ask for a better partner or friend than you. And seeing you sharing special times with Noah James, rocking him to sleep or making up silly songs, makes me love you that much more.
I leave you all with a few pictures of our newest little Valentine (who is still napping!).
love the family photo!! we have to use modified cry it out too and he always falls asleep in less than 20 min. it is tough to do it at my parents house b/c my dad is CONSTANTLY like ‘shouldnt you go get him? he’s crying’ etc and makes me feel like a bad parent. but oh well! glad to hear things are going well! 🙂
I know! It’s so hard. I hate hearing him cry. But when he wakes up smiling, feeling so much better because he slept, I can see it’s the best for him. It took only 10 minutes last night before he was able to sooth himself to sleep. Progress!
😦 he’s so little… they aren’t manipulative at this age, they just don’t know how else to communicate.
At four months they become more easily distracted when feeding too, so often they ARE actually more hungry, as they’re catching up what they missed out on during the day (quci, distracted feeds).
About the dinner table thing: he probably wants to join in. Maybe you could set up a high chair already? Or a Bumbo? And then give him a baby spoon and plastic bowl to play with, maybe a sippy/straw cup? Then he can be part of the meal without really eating.
Just a couple of informative posts from Ask Moxie:
http://www.askmoxie.org/2006/06/babies_and_cio.html (about different types of babies)
and
http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2006/02/qa_what_are_sle.html (about “sleep regression”)
Most sleep experts don’t recommend CIO for babies younger than 6 months.
I appreciate your opinion Ruby. I should clarify what I meant by manipulative… I don’t mean it in a bad way. It’s actually quite exciting. He is old enough now, at 5 months, to be able to understand that his cry brings a response he desires. It’s actually pretty cool to see. We are going to set up his high chair soon so he can join us at the table. It is so fun to see how he likes to be part of things!
As far as sleep training… There are a lot of opinions out there and a lot of information. I didn’t decide to do what we did without reading a lot and combining several approaches. I’m even taking a class right now where my teacher worked with Ferber himself. It is recommended that sleep training not be considered before 4 months, but for some babies they might not be ready until 6 months. Noah James is 5 months and given how exhausted Noah and my husband and I are, and given that my husband will be away much of the next month, we decided to try it.
He is not being left to cry until he falls asleep. He is comforted at short intervals. We pick him up, pat his back, and tell him we love him before putting him back down. I realize that some people don’t agree with even this more moderate cry it out method. There is nothing easy about hearing tour baby cry, but this is working for us. Noah fell asleep on his own in less than 10 minutes last night and woke up only once to nurse before falling right back to sleep on his own. I am not keeping him from eating when he is hungry. He eats plenty through the day, is steadily gaining weight, and his doctor and my teacher both assured me that he should only need to nurse once at night…. Not every 2 hours.
I appreciate that there are a lot of opinions out there. But i did a lot of research, talked to a lot of people, and this is what is working for us. I love this little boy more than words can say and I am not doing this just so that I get more sleep. He has been exhausted and cranky everyday for the last month. And since he’s been sleeping again this past week, he is waking up smiling, is cheerful, and is taking naps more easily. I would never tell someone else that this is the best way to sleep train. It’s just the way that worked for us.
Thank you for clarifying: I agree with the others who say you should do what works for your family, but there were a few things in your post that stood out and I wanted to address them. Written word and blog posts aren’t the best way to always convey the whole process and I didn’t know you’d done the research (although i should’ve guessed ;-)) and made a conscious decision on the matter. It was the whole ‘we had to do sleep training’ combined with the ‘manipulative’ remarks that made my heart hurt a little. Now you’ve elaborated I understand it better.
I just feel bad when a baby’s natural behavior is interpreted in an adult way, as if they are but an inconvenience and need to learn the adult way as soon as possible. This school of thought stems from early last century and is something that carries through in current society. In the fifties and sixties then came the movement to liberate women, which then gave formula companies a great direction of approach to tell women ‘formula liberates you’. I just feel strongly about cultural norms (early sleeping through the night, children should be seen and not heard) overruling parent’s natural instincts (going to your child when s/he cries, picking up, etc.)
I know my approach is one side of the spectrum and that what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for others. I respect that – however, if I do read statements that to my knowledge are incorrect or incomplete, I can’t not say anything.
On a lighter note: family dinners ROCK. It’s such a joy to have your baby at the dinner table, first with just her/his utensils, then with food as well. So many hilarious faces and it’s a joy to watch them discover new flavours and sensations.
Ruby, you are so right. It is very hard to tell from a blog post what the writer intends. I’m glad you wrote back 🙂
I think its really important to look at childten as individuals…what works for one doesn’t work for another. This definitely worked for Noah. He is a different baby now that he is not exhausted all the time. He falls asleep on his own for the most part and always wakes up smiling now! Good thing because I thiink teething is right around the corner! Teething is hard enough…sleep deprivation on top of it would be awful!
I love following along with all of your adventures with Amber. She is a lucky and loved little girl!
I think you are doing great. We approached things the same way with M and she has always been a great sleeper.
Thanks Tina :). That’s reassuring to hear!
What a beautiful family!! I’m glad to have read your post-John keeps waking up at 4:00 in the morning and wants to be held. I’ll have to give this sleep training thing a try!
Thanks Anne Marie 🙂
Sleepnus such a tough thing… The less they get, the more tired they get and the harder it is for them to fall asleep. A vicious cycle!
Aww your little boy is so precious! This is my first time reading your blog and I am glad I found it!!! My best friend has a 5 month old and said the same thing has been happening =)
Thanks for reading Allison! I know others are in the same boat when it comes to sleep issues. Blogging is a great support network…just knowing that someone else is going through it too. I hope your friend figures something out fir her little one.
Aww, Noah. Love the pics, especially the family one!
I am so dumb. I didn’t realize you have to teach them how to sleep (or soothe themselves to sleep). It sounds like you are on the right track though 🙂
You aren’t dumb, Kim :). It isn’t really teaching the baby to sleep. It’s more teaching him to sooth himself so that he doesn’t need to be rocked or nursed every time he wakes up.
The intervals approach is such a great idea — I’ve never heard of it before since I’m not a mom yet, but I will keep that in mind for the future. Really cool! Noah is starting to look like a little person — he is so precious! I’m glad you enjoyed your Valentine’s Day!
Thanks Tammy! There are lots if theories and opinions on how to do this. I don’t think there is necessarily a right or wrong way… It depends on the baby and his needs. It’s finding the right approach for tour baby.
I’m glad you’ve found a method that’s working for you. I can only imagine how tough it must be to run on no sleep some days. I hope it continues working. I love your family pic!
Man I don’t know how you do this! Eric and I are possessive about our sleep so this is going to be a very hard time for us, as it is for most new parents I guess!
Good for you for finding something that works for you guys. I like the idea of merging the “the just need to cry” with “they can’t cry at all” philosophy. My mom is totally anti- letting kids cry and I am kind of for it… without actually having kids yet (so I know it will be harder when they are my own). If babies are anything like 5 year olds and I think they are, they are easily trained haha. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them if we don’t give them everything they want- it’s called teaching 🙂 Good luck! Hope it continues to go well! Your new Valentine is the cutest!
Great photos. Glad to hear your mom was able to help out, especially so you could make it out to dinner for Valentine’s day.
Gorgeous family photo. Love it! While I couldn’t do CIO, I know different things work for different people. You gotta do what’s best for your fam. I’ll be the first to admit I was pretty lazy and wanted my sleep so Baby Boy slept w/ us so I could nurse him and we’d both go to sleep. Some would frown on bedsharing but like I said, you gotta do what you gotta do!
Great job, Mama!
Absolutely! I don’t think there is any right or wrong way. We all love our babies! It’s knowing your own child and your own situation, and then finding a strategy that works for you.
I hate the crying it out thing too… BUT… Sometimes you have to. Just a little… I don’t think you need to let them scream for hours or even 30 minutes. I really think they are too little to understand what is going on. It isn’t fair to let them get that upset. My little guy has also got it all figured out. He will completely roll over and glare at me and whine. Little booger. Just know it doesn’t last long. Once they are able to sit up and play its the home stretch!
Oh… Little buddy is almost 5 months old. He was born on 10-10-10… When was Noah born? GREAT name by the way… We LOVE it 😉 😉 😉
Hearing him cry is awful! But now he goes right down at bed time and wakes up smiling. If he does cry it’s less than 10 minutes! Nap time is a different story. He used to be such a good napper but now he struggles, even though he is fussy, yawning, and rubbing his eyes.
Noah was born 9-22-10. 5 months and 1 day today 🙂
Awww, the pictures are too cute! I’ve just had 4 new babies come into my life in the past year and I’ve never had close friends with babies before that, so I’m hearing all of the new mommy stories – it is definitely one of the hardest jobs ever! I give you so much credit and I’m glad you were able to have a Valentine’s Day date! 🙂
Erin, you are so sweet! But it is I who gives you credit for all you have persevered through this past year. You are an inspiration!